a double edged sword

it would be an understatement to say that my mind has been heavy laden of late. and today amid the myriad of thoughts that have floated in and out, came sentimentality.


i have always been a sentimental person. i tend to care deeply and quickly about people and things. ever since i was a child i would place value on various objects, days, or moments. and that is one thing that has remained the same, even as i have "grown up."

and so it has become my double-edged sword; being sentimental. my mundane life brightens when i think back to the year before, when on that specific day something extraordinary happened. but then comes the other side, the side where i can be having a perfectly lovely day, and of a sudden i remember something, or i see a certain spot or drive during a particular time of day, and my mind is flooded with memories that once were sweet and now have become, for the moment, a bit bitter.

september 11, 2001

as i was driving to work this morning, listening to npr, i thought, "unbelievable. it's been 6 years?" i still can't quite fathom it. i always take this day to remember by rereading old journals and newspaper clippings. it was such a surreal experience. sitting in my house in provo, watching what seemed to be an action movie, not reality. thinking, and slowly realizing, "that tower has fallen. those buildings are gone. is this the beginning of the end?"

some of those ideas may appear dramatic, but they weren't to me. my world stood still that day, and the next, and the next...

today as we said the pledge in school, i remember saying it at my job, septmeber 12, 2001, and for the first time having it really mean something; "one nation, under god, indivisible."

and indivisible is right. i watched as the pure and best part of the human spirit rose from it's hiding spot, where it remains so often, and took charge; took over. it did, for probably one of the first times in my life, make me extremely proud to be an american.

i think about how my life is still very much the same. and how i let meaningless events and obstacles affect me. that day should have changed me more. it should be a part of me in a way that it isn't.

so on this day i remember the dead, the brave, and the ones who were left behind.

"in a little while, this hurt will hurt no more..."-u2

staring at the keyboard, wanting to write, but having no words. the only thing that has been coming to mind all morning long seems to be song lyrics.

i have always believed there is great power in music. it stirs the heart and soul in a way very few things in this life can. it reaches into my pain and sadness as a comforting friend, letting me know that she understands; that she has been there and knows exactly how i feel. i take solace in this. it is remarkable.

i am a bit heartbroken, but the sadness will pass. the hurt will hurt no more. as stated by chris martin of coldplay, "...the hardest part was letting go, not taking part..." that is precisely the feeling of my heart. the taking part wasn't difficult, but the letting go will be.

i am a woman who cares deeply. it has been a blessing and a curse in my life. however, i wouldn't give that trait up. it makes me who i am. it also hinders the "letting go" process. at times i hold onto pain, just so that i can know that what i felt was actually real. how lucky i have been to be able to "take part."

so, i am grateful for music.

and once more, the feelings of my heart are summed up by lyrics:

"...louder, louder and we'll run for our lives. i can hardly speak i understand, why you can't raise your voice to say..."

observations on learning

i only have a few minutes, but really wanted to get my thoughts down before my next class comes in. my 7th graders have been working on an "emperor" project where they are to research and then set up a campaign for election. they started the research grudgingly (as only 7th graders can), but then something happened. i've seen them start to devour the information. they keep coming up to me and asking me if i knew this or that about one of the emperors. they are shocked at some of the unsuitable behavior and i have observed them make connections to how power changes people or how a truly good leader and remain good and noble always.

moments like these are rare in my profession, yet they are the reason why i do it. there is no other feeling like it. it makes every other normal or terrible day worthwhile. it reminds me that there is purpose to what i get up and do everyday. how did i get to be so lucky...?

conversations with my mother

or maybe i should really say emails back and forth with my mother, since she does not win "greatest communicator of the century"award. i do appreciate the manner in which she does try to communicate because though it be matter a fact, it is somehow brimming with love.

it's been interesting to read as she shares various thoughts and experiences which i have never been privy to. i have appreciated them and they have been very pertinent for my life at this time.

it once again reminds me of how grateful i should be to have such wonderful, loving, and supportive parents. they aren't "perfect" by any stretch of the imagination, but they are who i have needed and continue to need in this life. they fit me perfectly. i should remember that more often. my blessings in this life are truly undeserved.

uncertainty and the unknown

these are thoughts which constantly plague my mind, but today even more than ever. it is an interesting thing to have faith; to have trust. life is brimming with uncertainty and a plethora of unknowns-that cannot be altered. the question is, how to feel calm and serene when these powerful forces are beating you from every side.

there is a type of excitement that can come from the unknown. the anxious energy we derive from knowing a piece, but not all. however, this feeling is minor and fleeting compared to the heavy weight that bears down when we can't see, when we don't know, when we are afraid of what might be...

i believe i am a woman of faith most of the time. today, unfortunately, is not one of those days. i want to be strong. i want to trust that the unknown that is looming above me is not going to overtake me, but mustering the strength is becoming increasingly more difficult as the minutes and hours tick onward. if it were only possible for time to stand still...