"the road to hell is paved with good intentions..."

for some reason this is a phrase i use more often than not. recently (and when i say recently i mean the past 3 or 4 days) my thoughts have danced around the idea of motives and how we purify them.


usually i feel as if i really know myself. i pride myself (somewhat) in being a sincere and genuine person. but yesterday i had this epiphany: i am so far from who i think i am. it constantly amazes me how i am humbled by the various realizations that will strike me in a day, week, or month.

what led me to this discovery? my reflections on some choices i have made. as i dove deeper into my own psyche and soul, buried underneath all my dark secrets, fears, and insecurities, laid the truth--the decision i had made, i chose for me; i chose it selfishly. i was aghast. literally. i had never really thought it possible. i had done such an excellent job convincing myself, that i truly believed i had made my decision for the greater good.

needless to say, this has thrown me for a loop. i am not quite sure what to do with this newfound information and insight. in these quiet, night time hours i have pondered and wondered-wondered how i can change something that i hadn't realized existed? especially because it is something i not only desire to change, but must change in order to be genuinely happy.

the conclusion i have come to is that i can't do it alone. i have to do it with the lord's help. he is the only way for me to literally become "perfect" or "whole." of course, knowing how to let go of the helm and allow the lord to steer my thoughts and heart is no easy feat. i worry that i won't relinquish the control. and that is what frightens me the most...

happiness

such an elusive concept. a thought that often accompanies me. really and truly, the ultimate quest for most people. there is a deep-seated desire in all of us to attain true happiness and many feel they are far from it or have never felt it. that has always saddened me.

so if this is the one pure desire of human nature, how do we achieve it? what is the formula? is there one? not shocking, but i have some theories on the matter...

what comes to mind when i think about happiness is, first of all, that we are meant to be happy. Yet, we pursue this happiness in the wrong way. we look for things, items, people, to fill the space in our souls where happiness and joy are to reside. we keep thinking that if we learn a new skill, conquer a fear, purchase something, or find that perfect person, we will finally attain this euphoria we so desperately seek. this is our mistake.

as simple as it may sound, happiness and joy must come from within, not without. i know i am not the first to come up with this brilliant idea, but i stand firmly behind it.

i also love what gandhi had to say: "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." so much unhappiness stems from not being true to who we are; by continually believing that if we can be the persona most of us create for ourselves, then, only then, will we truly be content.

it's not possible.

to be content, to be happy, we need to be true to who we really are. this is no easy task, since we may not like who we are, or wish we were someone else, regardless, i believe we are genuinely happy when we are at peace with ourselves. if we wish to be someone else, to lose those faulty qualities we have, then we need to actually make those changes, so we can become that new person. only then will we attain inner peace and be happy.

this is a life long process and pursuit. it has to be. i believe we constantly grow, change, and evolve so as to always have to reassess who we are, and live accordingly. life is just awesome that way.

living a life in the wrong lane

while stuck in traffic on the 880 this week, i continually found myself in the "wrong" lane. and what i mean by the "wrong" lane is the one that never moves. you know how it is, you're rolling along when of a sudden, your lane comes to a standstill. the reason? if only i had the answer, especially as i watch all the vehicles around me zoom on by. how is this possible i ask myself? so, cautiously (or maybe should i say aggressively?) i veer into what i believe, is now the "correct" lane, the lane of my dreams, the one that will allow me to finally reach my destination. low and behold once again i find myself in the "wrong" lane.
suddenly, the lane i escaped from, the one that magically had stood still while the rest of the driving world moved on, began creeping forward. what? how? do i dare attempt revisiting my old lane? it now looks so appealing and exactly what i need. so i do it. i get over. what happened next should come as no surprise. i am once again standing still.

so why discuss this mundane, fairly daily event for most commuters? because i truly believe this is a metaphor for my life.

and i'm not pitying myself or think my life is terrible, because it isn't, but i do believe that i am always in the "wrong lane" in a number of aspects of my life. i just can't get things quite right. i feel as if i am going along, enjoying my ride, heading to my destination at a good steady pace, and then out of nowhere, i am once again stopped. it wasn't expected so i decide: maybe i can try another "lane?" maybe it will keep me moving? but it never does. it's frustrating. it's annoying. it doesn't matter what i do, because it's always the same...an interesting epiphany.

my favorite tree..

this week i have missed the fall.

spoiled by residing on the east coast for 4 years, i expect the tress in california to give me the same autumnal greeting (apparently i have very high expectations when it comes to my surroundings:). so, while walking around stanford campus yesterday, i noticed a few of them giving me a mere glimpse of what their east coast brothers are capable of.

i used to run by my favorite tree off of army-navy drive in arlington. standing tall right at the center of where the road forked, it was a happy distraction to my huffing and puffing. every october i looked forward to seeing it's metamorphosis from luscious green to various hues of orange, red, and yellow. not only did i love the colors, but i loved how they appeared, different every time, creating a simple part of nature into art.

and so, i miss my tree.

forgotten friendships

i felt reflective today. not that is should be any surprise to anyone, since i pretty much reflect on most aspects of life on a daily basis. the past few days i've wanted to pull the old photo albums off the shelf and take some long strolls down memory lane.

it's unbelievable how fast time passes and how moments that were so very long ago can simply be resurrected through photographs and notes. i found myself recalling late night conversations and carefree days. i miss that time in my life, grateful that i lived it to the fullest.

buried under the photos and ticket stubs i found an envelope filled with notes from those who had crossed my path. some are still a vital part of my life and others have faded into the background. either way, i am always a bit surprised at how much people care about me and how they are willing to let me know. i don't mean to sound haughty or conceited, nor am i feigning humility; it is just surprising.

the real thoughts that have come to mind are, do those qualities and attributes i had ten years ago still reside in me? would those i know now say the same things? have i regressed in ways i should not have? i truly hope not, but it leaves me more to think about...