the rainbow connection...

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
--William Wordsworth



driving to school: an ordinary wednesday.

the deluge of rainstorms seemed to have ceased for a bit, and off in the distant horizon i could see patches of blue sky and sunlight making their stealthy entrance through the clouds. as usual, i was just trying to get to school as fast as i could because i never get out the door quite as early as i need to. so there i was, zooming down the 101, trying not to get frustrated with the drivers, since i figured 7:05 am was a little too early to get irritated.

suddenly, i gasped. " oh! look! a rainbow!" i said out loud with the surprising innocence of a little girl. a rainbow? really? was i that excited about it?
indeed i was.

i found myself wanting to drive faster and faster so i could get closer: intoxicated by this ephemeral phenomenon. as if right on cue, up floated a memory from 26 years ago (goodness, that makes me sound so old!) that i was sure had been buried for so long, it was forgotten...

i was about 5 years old, coming home from swimming lessons on an afternoon that resembled this slightly overcast, rays-of-sun-peaking-through-clouds morning. i looked out the window and saw it. a rainbow, and we were heading straight towards it! i wiggled with excitement. a rainbow. how i loved them. i loved to draw them and imagine what it would be like to be near one. what magic did it hold? what wonders would i be able to experience? oh how mysterious and lovely they were!

i held my breath, barely containing my excitement as we moved closer and closer. now, in the mind of a 5 year old, very few things are more exhilarating than possibly getting this close to a rainbow. and then, as if dreams were coming true, we were there! we actually drove through it!

could it be true? did it actually happen? did we run over the pot of gold? where were the fairies and the magic dust or the secret portal to take me to a land of wonder and enchantment? alas, none of that occurred-we were still on our way home, with that beautiful rainbow fading in the distance behind us. i slumped down in my seat, disappointed, confused, and a bit sad. i suppose that was about the time when i started understanding what rainbows actually were, compared to what i had imagined them to be.


however, today, that small, curly-headed 5 year old me, was reminded of the magic she once believed in. that fleeting love affair with rainbows had actually never vanished. those fascinating, fickle illusions proved that there is a little girl still inside of me. a part of me once presumed lost, continues to exist. that same little girl believes those rainbows are magic, she just believes it in a different way now, she understands their true meaning.

after darkness. after storms. after all that is difficult and obscure. there stands the rainbow. radiant. colorful. inspiring hope.

so as i stepped out of the car, i silently sang:



"Why are there so many
songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me..."

the reality that is california

the reality is that california seems to make everything just a little more difficult, from getting your driver's license to a teaching credential to having a constitution that can be amended by 8 billion propositions.

proposition 8 is has made nation wide headlines and is the talk of the literal town.

i believe in marriage. it's my belief that all humans yearn for companionship-we are not made to be alone. i am a proponent of people finding this happiness.

with this said, i will also be voting yes on prop 8.

i believe in this country and it's freedom. i believe that i have mine and others have theirs.

i could go on and on trying to give reasons as to why i will be voting yes, but all the "arguments" have been made. and what it comes down to is that i do believe in the definition of marriage staying the same alongside with "rights" for everyone.

the unfortunate reality is that one side will lose. and it is my hope that all can remember to be kind to one another and to allow all to speak their mind for we live in a country where we are blessed enough to do so.

a-d-d-i-c-t-e-d

i would say this is long awaited, but since only a handful of eyes peruse this blog, not too many have been waiting with baited breath for my next "awesome thought." and lest you think i haven't had any amazing thoughts since my last post months ago, i will probably publish a number of the things i have had on my mind.

evidently i write mainly when life has left me no other option but to escape through words. which is all fine and dandy, but i've decided to spice it up a little and try some light--hearted posts for a change. it won't be a permanent change because, let's be honest, if i only had "light" thoughts i wouldn't be documenting them for all to read.

so the topic of the day is…wait for it….wait for it…my very own addictive personality! now you may be thinking to yourself, is this something you really want to share marisa? isn't this the type of topic you share in more private, say, professional forum? you can put those fears to rest since I am not about to divulge all my deepest darkest secrets over the world wide web.

my current addictions consist of:

-crossword puzzles (I used to average about 3-4 a day of the online variety)
-merriam webster word games (yes, that is the same Merriam Webster of dictionary fame) these include definition, spelling, and synonym games)
-online boggle (nothing like a friendly, fast-paced competition with strangers)

my latest addiction is (which was temporarily on hold due to a law suit) online scrabble (maybe the real problem is that I spend too much time online?) at least with this one I am interacting (if you can call it interacting when you are playing with another person via the internet…???)

I think I enjoy the instant gratification that comes with winning something. The joyous electronic celebratory music or the blinking "you've won!" bring a smile to my face and a sense of satisfaction to my heart-yes, I have won, at an online word game…now if i can only find some other instant gratification that doesn't involve the internet, i will be all set.

1 corinthians 13...

especially verse 12:

"for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."

(there are a million posts i have started and not finished, but this is what i read tonight and it just tugged at my soul and spoke the words it couldn't utter)

loneliness is...

...an interesting concept/emotion. she creeps in slowly, however, once inside the deluge commences and it appears a fruitless battle to fight. i feel her trapping me and pulling, tugging me under so that i can't breathe.

for some reason, loneliness has found its way into my life quite frequently in the past few weeks. i am particularly caught off guard when i find myself surrounded by "loved ones" and realize loneliness is sitting next to me, glued, not leaving my side. how can it be so? she negates her own existence by her audacious entrance. i look around in wonder, "can't they all see her?" i attempt to shoo her away, but she is stubborn and refuses. as she draws closer and closer i want to shout. i want her to go. i want her to go and release me from her powerful grip.

roads

alice in wonderland. i haven't read the book since i was a child, but part of it has always remained with me. here is the quote that came to mind today:

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.”-Lewis Carroll

it all comes down to choices: not only making them, but also having a goal, having a direction in which we want to head. and end destination in mind. though the chesire cat's remark oozes from his somewhat patronizing tongue, he speaks much truth. we will continually find ourselves needing to cross the "forks in the road" of life--these we cannot escape.

so do we naively act as alice, who just wanted to know which road to take, without thought as to where her final destination would be? i don't believe we can...

we also cannot wait at the fork forever, never deciding which road to take. the knowledge of which one is the "right" path won't "magically" come to us if we just stand, doing nothing.

so what is the solution? we think about what we want. we find out which road gets us there and we take it. most often than not, it will be the less traveled road, the road that appears risky and unfamiliar, even frightening. and as frost said (and i honestly believe) that will be what will have made all the difference in our lives.

no title necessary...

...since this is a post from about a month ago. i decided to go ahead and post it. hopefully i can keep up a bit more!

reflecting back to a year ago i was bombarded with memories. most brought smiles (which is not always the case on my trips down memory lane)as i recalled emails, conversations, trips, and the new beginning that comes with spring.

as vibrant tulips and poppies awaken from their lengthy winter slumber, showing off their brightly colored faces for all to see, i am once again awed by the revelatory nature of the cycle of life. all of nature starts anew. i start anew.

the hope of spring. the hope of easter. the hope of new beginnings.