the reality that is california

the reality is that california seems to make everything just a little more difficult, from getting your driver's license to a teaching credential to having a constitution that can be amended by 8 billion propositions.

proposition 8 is has made nation wide headlines and is the talk of the literal town.

i believe in marriage. it's my belief that all humans yearn for companionship-we are not made to be alone. i am a proponent of people finding this happiness.

with this said, i will also be voting yes on prop 8.

i believe in this country and it's freedom. i believe that i have mine and others have theirs.

i could go on and on trying to give reasons as to why i will be voting yes, but all the "arguments" have been made. and what it comes down to is that i do believe in the definition of marriage staying the same alongside with "rights" for everyone.

the unfortunate reality is that one side will lose. and it is my hope that all can remember to be kind to one another and to allow all to speak their mind for we live in a country where we are blessed enough to do so.

a-d-d-i-c-t-e-d

i would say this is long awaited, but since only a handful of eyes peruse this blog, not too many have been waiting with baited breath for my next "awesome thought." and lest you think i haven't had any amazing thoughts since my last post months ago, i will probably publish a number of the things i have had on my mind.

evidently i write mainly when life has left me no other option but to escape through words. which is all fine and dandy, but i've decided to spice it up a little and try some light--hearted posts for a change. it won't be a permanent change because, let's be honest, if i only had "light" thoughts i wouldn't be documenting them for all to read.

so the topic of the day is…wait for it….wait for it…my very own addictive personality! now you may be thinking to yourself, is this something you really want to share marisa? isn't this the type of topic you share in more private, say, professional forum? you can put those fears to rest since I am not about to divulge all my deepest darkest secrets over the world wide web.

my current addictions consist of:

-crossword puzzles (I used to average about 3-4 a day of the online variety)
-merriam webster word games (yes, that is the same Merriam Webster of dictionary fame) these include definition, spelling, and synonym games)
-online boggle (nothing like a friendly, fast-paced competition with strangers)

my latest addiction is (which was temporarily on hold due to a law suit) online scrabble (maybe the real problem is that I spend too much time online?) at least with this one I am interacting (if you can call it interacting when you are playing with another person via the internet…???)

I think I enjoy the instant gratification that comes with winning something. The joyous electronic celebratory music or the blinking "you've won!" bring a smile to my face and a sense of satisfaction to my heart-yes, I have won, at an online word game…now if i can only find some other instant gratification that doesn't involve the internet, i will be all set.

1 corinthians 13...

especially verse 12:

"for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."

(there are a million posts i have started and not finished, but this is what i read tonight and it just tugged at my soul and spoke the words it couldn't utter)

loneliness is...

...an interesting concept/emotion. she creeps in slowly, however, once inside the deluge commences and it appears a fruitless battle to fight. i feel her trapping me and pulling, tugging me under so that i can't breathe.

for some reason, loneliness has found its way into my life quite frequently in the past few weeks. i am particularly caught off guard when i find myself surrounded by "loved ones" and realize loneliness is sitting next to me, glued, not leaving my side. how can it be so? she negates her own existence by her audacious entrance. i look around in wonder, "can't they all see her?" i attempt to shoo her away, but she is stubborn and refuses. as she draws closer and closer i want to shout. i want her to go. i want her to go and release me from her powerful grip.

roads

alice in wonderland. i haven't read the book since i was a child, but part of it has always remained with me. here is the quote that came to mind today:

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.”-Lewis Carroll

it all comes down to choices: not only making them, but also having a goal, having a direction in which we want to head. and end destination in mind. though the chesire cat's remark oozes from his somewhat patronizing tongue, he speaks much truth. we will continually find ourselves needing to cross the "forks in the road" of life--these we cannot escape.

so do we naively act as alice, who just wanted to know which road to take, without thought as to where her final destination would be? i don't believe we can...

we also cannot wait at the fork forever, never deciding which road to take. the knowledge of which one is the "right" path won't "magically" come to us if we just stand, doing nothing.

so what is the solution? we think about what we want. we find out which road gets us there and we take it. most often than not, it will be the less traveled road, the road that appears risky and unfamiliar, even frightening. and as frost said (and i honestly believe) that will be what will have made all the difference in our lives.

no title necessary...

...since this is a post from about a month ago. i decided to go ahead and post it. hopefully i can keep up a bit more!

reflecting back to a year ago i was bombarded with memories. most brought smiles (which is not always the case on my trips down memory lane)as i recalled emails, conversations, trips, and the new beginning that comes with spring.

as vibrant tulips and poppies awaken from their lengthy winter slumber, showing off their brightly colored faces for all to see, i am once again awed by the revelatory nature of the cycle of life. all of nature starts anew. i start anew.

the hope of spring. the hope of easter. the hope of new beginnings.

the art of writing...

most would assume that if you are going to be bold enough to keep a blog for the entire world wide web to access, that you would consider yourself a fairly accomplished and prolific writer. according to some, i may not fit into either one of those categories...

now, i am not writing this in order to receive obligatory pity accolades from friends who want to stroke my ego. i am writing to be honest. i am writing a bit out of wounded pride and pain. i am writing to express opinions and thoughts on the actual act and art of writing.

i wander through the sea of endless books at our mega stores such as barnes and noble and borders, perusing and aware of the fact that i often pause to think, " how did some of these writers ever get published?"

the conclusion i have come to is that anyone can write. you may not be very good. technique may be weak. emotions may fall short. you may have strong conventions, but bore the hell out of people because you are much too verbose. the categories go on and on, however the conclusion is always the same. we are all in one way or another, writers.

so i will continue with my blog. i march forward with dreams of publishing a great work someday, one that people will read and feel moved and connected to, feel as if someone out there has at one point understood a thought or feeling that has crossed their mind. that is great writing. one that touches. one that connects. one that makes our mundane and at times heavy lives a bit lighter, and free, as words are ingested into our souls.

short and sweet

so on this day of supposed "love," i wanted to share a few thoughts. i love love. silly and trite as it may sound, it's true. when so many others feel alone and sorry for their own state of affairs on this day, i revel in the sappy love songs, the mad scurrying of men buying flowers, and the pounds and pounds of chocolate.

love is a gift that we all take for granted. loving brings true joy. loving others fills our hearts as nothing else can.

as the years pass by, love continues to teach me new lessons. the ability to love, though painful at times, is priceless and it excavates room in the heart for more love.

so i send out my love to all with some of my favorite quotes on the matter. happy valentines day!

“i have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.-mother teresa

"life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved."-victor hugo

"the important thing was to love rather than to be loved."-w. somerset maugham

"in all things it is better to hope than to despair"-goethe

i've been working on this post now for a few days and the words just don't seem to be coming out quite right. here i go any how...


hope has been on my mind quite a bit this past week for various reason. in actuality, it is probably what i think about the most overall. the reasons vary but overriding them all is that i am not as hopeful as i wish i could be and haven't learned how to implement real hope in my life.

i want to hope. especially now, in these very moments of my life, i need it more than i need anything else.

i believe in hope. i draw strength from the hope others have for themselves and for me. i find myself trying to be like abraham "who against hope believed in hope."

not sure how it all works, but have to trust that it does...that hope actually is"believing that a positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary."

so i move forward. "plowing in hope" as paul said. i work and ready the soil of my heart and soul for what is to come next, trying to use my eyes of faith.

i leave you with one of many wise words spoken by the beloved elder neal a. maxwell:

"However, enduring and submitting are not passive responses at all, but instead are actually more like being braced sufficiently to report for advanced duties, while carrying—meekly and victoriously—bruises from the previous frays....Therefore, whatever our humble furrow, we are to 'plow in hope.'"

"we thank thee o god for a prophet..."

as i have been contemplating the passing of our beloved prophet, president gordon b. hinckley, i cannot help but feel awe and gratitude. i feel privileged that my formative years coincided with his presidency. so much of who i have become has been influenced by this gracious, kind, and loving man who taught me to always strive to be better, kinder, softer and most of all, to not be ashamed of my testimony of the lord.

i feel honored to have learned from him.

and though he will be missed terribly, i smile to think of his happy return home, to his wife and his god.

and so today in my heart i sing, "we thank thee o god for a prophet, to guide us in these latter days..."