"the road to hell is paved with good intentions..."

for some reason this is a phrase i use more often than not. recently (and when i say recently i mean the past 3 or 4 days) my thoughts have danced around the idea of motives and how we purify them.


usually i feel as if i really know myself. i pride myself (somewhat) in being a sincere and genuine person. but yesterday i had this epiphany: i am so far from who i think i am. it constantly amazes me how i am humbled by the various realizations that will strike me in a day, week, or month.

what led me to this discovery? my reflections on some choices i have made. as i dove deeper into my own psyche and soul, buried underneath all my dark secrets, fears, and insecurities, laid the truth--the decision i had made, i chose for me; i chose it selfishly. i was aghast. literally. i had never really thought it possible. i had done such an excellent job convincing myself, that i truly believed i had made my decision for the greater good.

needless to say, this has thrown me for a loop. i am not quite sure what to do with this newfound information and insight. in these quiet, night time hours i have pondered and wondered-wondered how i can change something that i hadn't realized existed? especially because it is something i not only desire to change, but must change in order to be genuinely happy.

the conclusion i have come to is that i can't do it alone. i have to do it with the lord's help. he is the only way for me to literally become "perfect" or "whole." of course, knowing how to let go of the helm and allow the lord to steer my thoughts and heart is no easy feat. i worry that i won't relinquish the control. and that is what frightens me the most...